My Diary – November 2007

Friday 23rd November 2007

Seeing as my other diary only went up on Monday, there’s not much to say…for once.

Wednesday was my first day of radiotherapy at The Royal Marsden Hospital. It went as well as could be expected. It took a while to set everything up and the suction to keep the mouth piece in kept, um, unsuctioning (I can’t think of the word!) so that also made it take longer. I’d say it was all over within half an hour though. The mouth piece didn’t hurt my mouth as much this time. I mean it still hurt, but not as much as before. Mum took a photo of me so that you can see what everything looks like because it’s difficult to explain. Still think I look like Hannibal Lecter, Margaret?!

Just before Mum took the photo she said, “Now remember, don’t smile!” Oh, she should be a comedian…

Evelyn and her husband, David, drove us to hospital on Thursday for session two. Linda took us the day before. We’re having a mixture of family, friends and hospital transport for the six weeks of treatment. I’m having 30 sessions, so I’m now counting them down. It went much quicker and smoother this time and only took ten minutes. Nearly all of my appointments are 11.20am, so it means we get home early afternoon which is good because I can still plan to do things.

We went out that night for a meal for my cousin Toby’s 21st birthday. We went to an Indian restaurant, but I’m not keen on that food – along with loads of other foods – so I just ate popadoms and chips. They were the nicest chips ever, and I’d definitely go back just for them!

I haven’t said this for a while, please sign the guest book! Thanks.

P.S. Here is the link to my book on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-I-See-Nicole-Dryburgh/dp/0340956925/

Love Nicole xxx

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Monday 19th November 2007

I went to The Pilgrims Hospice on Friday for another foot massage, and I had a hand massage as well this time. Then we went to Linda’s where a friend cut my hair. Well, it was just another trim. My hair has kind of just gone wild.

My brother’s friend, Jeremy, came round on Saturday with his little girl Olivia. She’s about a year and a half now and very cute. Once they left we went to Evelyn’s house for the afternoon for a catch up.

I went back to hydrotherapy on Monday. I haven’t been for over two months, so it was good to get back in the water. It all went well until I was getting changed afterwards and smacked my head on the wall. You know that way when you hear it crack? Yup, well it was like that. There was no blood though, and no lump developed, so I was disappointed I had nothing to show for the pain! That always happens!

I went for another hypnotherapy session afterwards. Well, I don’t think it’s actually hypno, it’s more counselling. It was meant to be hypno, but we decided that wouldn’t really work for me, and counselling would be better. It went much better than last time – there were no tears! I’m learning now to ‘breathe out the fear’. It actually works!

I had the flu jab on Tuesday morning. I actually coped better than Mum! She had to have it too, and so does Lee but another day when he’s finished work. The needle going in didn’t actually hurt, although I could feel it, but it was quite uncomfortable when the liquid was pushed in. I was going to make an ‘ouch’ noise, but Mum was having it after me, so I didn’t want to panic her! I told her it didn’t hurt, so when the nurse gave her the injection she said “aow!” Such a wimp…

Afterwards we went to Ashford Outlets with Linda and Megan. I got some new clothes, but my arm was starting to get more sore during the day from the injection, so we only spent about four hours there.

I went to stay at Demelza on Wednesday afternoon. I didn’t really do much that night. My arm was quite achy by then, so it was nice to just do nothing. I was originally booked to stay until Friday morning, but Demelza rang on Tuesday night to ask if I wanted to stay Friday too, and then they rang Wednesday morning to see if I wanted to stay on Saturday as well, and come home Sunday. I said yes, but while I was staying there another child needed a bed more than me, so I said I didn’t mind coming home on Friday after all.

I went to Bluewater on Thursday. I managed to get the rest of my Christmas presents. I only need to get Lee’s now. It’s a relief to get them out of the way before my treatment starts. I can’t wait to wrap them now – that’s the best part!

I spent the day in my pyjamas on Friday, which suited me fine! It was for Children in Need. I found out some very sad news in the morning. Coco, the chocolate Labrador, at Demelza died a couple of weeks ago. She was my favourite part of Demelza, and will be missed a lot.

I spent most of the day helping to plan a space themed day at Demelza for the children in a few weeks time. I love things like that and got quite carried away with ideas. For food there are going to be Flying Saucer sweets, Space Raider crisps, and little Baby Bells because the moon is supposed to be made of cheese. They’re going to put little faces on them because of the ‘man in the moon’. We also wrote a story which, to be honest you would have kind of had to be there, when it was created, to find it funny but it involves three aliens called Zog, Nog and Bog, and there’s a band called The Space Girls, with Sparkle Spice as the lead singer! Oh I love it. I’m just gutted I won’t be there on the day!

After planning that, I spent the rest of the afternoon in TIZ, and that night we had a pizza and DVD night with some of the other teenagers. Don’t ask me what DVD we watched because I wasn’t listening as usual, but it had Will Smith in it. The pizza was good though - all six slices. Mmmm…

Mum picked me up late that night. It was good to get home. I really miss my laptop when I’m away, and I had some great emails to come home to.

Thank you so much to Alison for your very generous donation to The Silver Lining Appeal, instead of buying Christmas presents for your nieces and nephews. I hope they understand! It’s helped bring my total for The Silver Lining Appeal now to just over £13,500. I’d really like to reach £14,000 as soon as possible because I don’t like the number 13!

The last event of the year (I think) to raise money is by my friends, Ralph and Matthew Lombart, who are organising another concert of easy listening music. The concert is at the Seventh-Day Adventist Church in Stodmarsh Road in Canterbury on Saturday 24th November from 4-6pm. Tickets are free, but donations welcome. If you’d like more information or to reserve a seat please ring Ralph on 01227 479337, or email me. The address is on my home page. Thank you.

I said I’d put the link to order my book from Amazon at the end of my diary every week, so here it is!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-I-See-Nicole Dryburgh/dp/0340956925/

I start my radiotherapy on Wednesday. Wish me luck!

Love Nicole xxx

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Wednesday 14th November 2007

I am going to Demelza for a few days, so my diary for this week won’t be up until Monday 19th November.

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Friday 9th November 2007

It’s been a much busier week this week. It was a traumatic day on Friday. I had hypnotherapy for my needle phobia. How did it go? Well put it this way, I won’t bother wearing mascara next time! I went to The Pilgrims Hospice in Canterbury and had a foot massage first from Martin. It was really relaxing and I’m going to have a few more treatments there during my radiotherapy to help me relax. After the foot massage I saw a hypnotherapist. First of all I spoke a bit about my phobia and did techniques on my breathing. She taught me to breathe from my stomach and not do quick breaths from my chest which I normally do when I panic. She spoke very calmly and we had what Mum calls ‘bingaly bongaly’ music on in the background. I was fine and felt really relaxed.

I actually thought it was working, and then she said she was going to bring a syringe and needle close to me. I instantly panicked and came out of my calm state. I managed to hold it together though, and she told me to focus on a person or animal that I love to make me calm again. I said Molly, and I was to imagine cuddling her and I relaxed again and it made me happy. Then she said she was going to bring the needle near me while I had Molly, and, well, I lost it then and started crying. The thought of a needle going near my dogs that could hurt them, I just couldn’t handle. The hypnotherapist was asking what was wrong, and I just sobbed, “Because Molly’s here!” which obviously she wasn’t! We had to get Molly out my head then and go back to the calm breathing. I couldn’t really focus after that though and just kept breaking down. I didn’t intend to react like that, and went prepared not to, but I just couldn’t help it. It really helped me realise my phobia.

It’s not the actual needle I have a fear of, it’s the process before it’s put in. That’s why I can just about handle injections because that’s just a syringe and needle, and it’s in and out. With a cannula it takes longer and there are all the sounds of the packets opening, the smell of the sterile wipes, the feeling of the arm band round my arm to make my veins pop up etc. I also hate the fact that I never know who is going to do it and if they’re any good or not. It was actually quite good to talk about it, and it helped me understand it more.

Over the last few years no-one, from doctors and nurses to friends and family, has ever tried to understand my fear. They’ve always just made me end up feeling stupid which is why I try and bottle it up. It was only when I was speaking about it that I realised how bad it is. I’d never thought about it before but if someone has a fear of heights or spiders, they just have to avoid them. I can’t avoid needles because doctors want to keep sticking them in me. Also I can’t deal with my fear and put it in the past, because I know needles are in my future, and I’ll always have to have them.

The session lasted about an hour and a half, and by the time I got to the car I was already laughing at how I’d reacted. It was in the car that Mum told me that she didn’t actually have a needle in the room. She just said that to see my reaction, and it’s all part of the hypnotherapy process. It sounds really mean, but I think it was fine to do that because she saw my true reaction. If I’d known there wasn’t actually a needle near me, I would have put my front on and been fine, so although it was traumatic, I’m glad she did it to me. Anyway I don’t want to say anymore about it because it’s freaking me out just typing this, but hopefully this helps people understand a bit more about my phobia. I’m not a wimp and it’s not the pain of the needle I’m scared of, it’s everything else to do with it.

I felt awful on Saturday night. I had an Archers and fresh orange while watching X-Factor, but I was convinced the Archers was off because it wasn’t long after drinking it that I started to feel sick and had a bad headache. Either that, or I just can’t handle my drink! I went back to bed and was nearly sick, but couldn’t quite throw up. Sorry to be graphic, but I like to give all the details! My back and legs were sore and aching too…all the signs of my good old friend, the urine infection. I just can’t get rid of the bugger! I think I’ve actually just become immune to the antibiotics, so I’ll probably have to change the tablets. I started on more antibiotics that night and was feeling a bit better by Sunday.

I had the mould for my teeth done on Monday at The Royal Marsden Hospital. It was a bit like when I had the retainer made after my brace. Gungy stuff was pushed on my top teeth. That had to stay there for about three minutes for it to set. It was quite uncomfortable, but nothing compared to the next part! After it was made I went into another room where I put the new mould in my mouth, and the brackets and things were fitted to it. For the mould to be really secure a suction was attached to it to suck out the saliva. Ooh lovely! It made it really tight. I had to lie down on a hard table and a beanbag pillow was put under my head. The air was sucked out of that too, so that my head was then really stable, and can be in the same position every time. Then lots of tubes and brackets were connected to the mouth piece and the table. They had to use a screwdriver and screw things on the mouth piece. I was panicking that they were going to ruin my teeth! I had to practise pulling the emergency cord too. It’s attached to the frame round my head, and if I want the treatment to stop immediately then I pull on the cord, and it all comes apart and I can lift my head up. I also had a mould of my neck made for the scan the next day, which I’ll explain about later. To make the mould they used something a bit similar to mod rock, which started off really soft. They moulded it round my neck and held it there for a few minutes to dry. It was actually quite nice because it was warm. It took about half an hour to sort everything with the mouth thing out, and my mouth was numb by this point. I’d stopped feeling the pain so much after about fifteen minutes. The roof of my mouth was the bit that hurt the most. Every time I slightly moved my head something dug in and it was so painful. When I took the mouth piece off it had made a blister on the roof of my mouth. Looks like I’m in for a lot of fun with the treatment. Roll on the 21st…

I tested out a new wheelchair on Tuesday morning, and liked it so much that I’ve ordered one! It has self propelling wheels that I can do myself, and handles on the back for Mum to push. It has a reclining back for when I get back ache, and generally just looks a bit more stylish than the one I’ve got. Unfortunately it didn’t come in pink, but I’ve ordered it in black because I thought pink went well with it, and I can keep my pink cushions and add pink accessories. It had two brakes at the front which are the perfect shape for hooking your handbag and shopping onto!

After that I went to the Marsden for a CT and MRI scan. I had to have a cannula put in for the MRI scan, so I took valium in the car on the way there. I don’t think it worked as much this time. I managed not to cry while it was being done, but my eyes did fill up with tears. I also made myself dizzy by breathing in and out too deeply! Once that was in I went for a CT scan. I had to put on the mouth thing I had made the day before. It really hurt the top of my mouth again, so I think that’s something that’s going to happen every time and I’ll just have to get used to it.

The scan only lasted about 10 minutes, and then I went to a different machine for an MRI scan. It was the shortest scan I’ve ever had, lasting only 20 minutes. I had to lie still for 12 minutes for one of the scans which was quite difficult. I had to wear the neck mould in the MRI scan that I had made on Monday. This was so that my head was in the exact place they wanted it. Both scans are to get pictures of the tumours, so that they can plan the treatment. They are making the radiotherapy rays the exact size of the tumours. It was another long day in hospital, so I was glad to get home. I actually can’t wait for the radiotherapy to start, so that it can be over! And then my book comes out! Did I tell you about that?!

I was supposed to go for more hypnotherapy on Wednesday, but I wasn’t in the mood. I was feeling tired and emotional enough as it was, and I didn’t want a repeat of Friday, so I cancelled my appointment. It would have been pointless going when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I stayed in the house in my tracksuit and just tried to relax and catch up with stuff on my laptop. I also started on my next project…intriguing huh?

Three of my best friends came round on Thursday afternoon. It was good to catch up with them and have a gossip because I haven’t seen them for a while. I had another lazy day at home which I’m going to enjoy while I can.

Thank you to everyone who has ordered my book so far through Amazon. You still can here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-I-See-Nicole-Dryburgh/dp/0340956925/

I’ll put the link at the end of my diary every week, so that the link can easily be found for all you lovely people who want to order it! It’s great to read the comments in my guest book about it too. It’s good for my ego and good for my publisher to know they made the right decision in giving me a contract!

Keep smiling, keep signing, keep ordering!

Love Nicole xxx

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Friday 2nd November 2007

Oh my god it’s November already!

Mum has had a migraine over the weekend, so it’s been quite quiet again. I was supposed to start back at hydro on Monday after two months off, but I didn’t go because Mum’s head was really bad.

I went to the gym on Tuesday though. It was good to get back to exercising properly. I’m having a scan next Tuesday so I can’t go. I only have two weeks left after that because of radiotherapy, so I’m going to enjoy the gym while I can. I didn’t do too much on Tuesday. I just walked twelve lengths in the parallel bars, cycled seven minutes on the bike and did some exercises on the bed like sit-ups etc.

Mum started to feel a bit better by Wednesday. She hadn’t eaten anything for three days, so she decided to make herself feel better by making some toast. It wasn’t until Lee came home and said, “You didn’t eat that bread I left on the side this morning, did you? I put it there because it was mouldy!” Strangely she started to feel a bit ill again!

It’s really strange because in Emmerdale at the moment (I can’t believe I just admitted to watching that!) one of the characters has just had a book published. She’s going through the things I’ve done and has just had her book launch. I’m getting a bit worried though because she only sold two copies, and one of those was to family! You can now order my book on Amazon!!!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-I-See-Nicole-Dryburgh/dp/0340956925/

So exciting!! Check out the bit that says Nicole Dryburgh, AUTHOR! Love it! Please sign the guest book to let me know what you think of the front cover.

I have another one of my things to tell you about/ favour to ask. Below is a message from Post Pals. Please take notice, and do it if you can. Do it for the kids!!

Post Pals (an organisation brightening the lives of seriously ill children) are looking for people to become "Elves" and "Reindeers" this Christmas. An Elf is someone who is assigned a child who either has a serious illness or whose sibling is seriously ill; the Elf gathers gifts up to the value of £15 for that child and sends them off in early December. A Reindeer is someone who is assigned a young child and sends 9 cards during the month of December, one from each Reindeer talking from the Reindeer’s perspective ie talking about the sleigh getting full, getting ready for the big night etc.  In the past both schemes have proven very popular - one girl believed that the Reindeer wrote to her because she helped her Mum look after her disabled brother, and a little boy was reassured as the Reindeer had written to him at the hospital which meant Santa knew that he was there, so wouldn't get missed out.

The Elf scheme always brings about huge smiles; this link is a picture of 10 year old Nikita with her Elf gift. It was taken a couple of weeks before she passed away on Christmas Eve from cancer: http://postpals.co.uk/gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=309  I think it shows just how much it means to these families. 

If you would like to be an Elf or Reindeer (or both) then please drop us a line on: info@postpals.co.uk stating your name, email address and how many children you would like to be an Elf or Reindeer for and also please let us know if you are happy to do an Elf box for teenage boys as volunteers for this age group are hard to find.  It would also be a great help if you could forward this on please. We have 105 Elves to find!  Thank you, Post Pal Team 

I’m going to leave it on that note!

Love Nicole xxx